Customer Service

“Hi!” I said, after a short wait spent wondering when hold-music went out of fashion and enforced advertising came in. “I have a new phone and I’m calling to set up a password for online bill pay!”

“Ok, what’s your account number? Phone number? Mother’s maiden name? Paternal grandfather’s place of birth? Blood type? And what would you like your password to be?”

“*famous historical year*” (Note to Mom and Stick: NOT the one I usually use, sometimes I like to mix up my nerdiness. I’m wild and unpredictable like that.)

“Ok, it’s set. Try it now.”

“It’s not accepting that.”

“Refresh the page and try again.”

“It’s still not working.”

“Please return to the main page, follow the instructions, and try again.”

“Now I’m locked out for too many attempts.”

“Ok, I’m going to connect you to someone from technical support. Thank you for choosing Verizon Wireless.”

“I didn’t! I totally wouldn’t have if I’d known — oh, hello?”

“Hi, this is technical support. As a security feature, Verizon Wireless freezes your account after too many invalid attempts. To prevent this situation in the future, write your password down and store it in a safe place. May I have your billing password?”

“Um… I suppose there’s a chance it could be *historical year*”

“Ma’am, without your billing password, I won’t be able to assist you.”

“You’re just screwing with me, aren’t you?”