Hufflepuffs and Sparkly Vampires

“Why do you hate Hufflepuffs so much?” Harold asked me a few days ago. Other recent conversations at work include the one where my boss calls me to come over immediately and then asks me whether Megatron is an Autobot or a Decepticon (Answer: Decepticon), and the one where I was asked which American Idol contestant I was rooting for, and when I didn’t have a proper answer, which contestants I’d heard of (Answer: 0). This is what happens when I’m at work every minute I’m awake.

But anyway, about Hufflepuffs. Hufflepuffs, I explained, don’t have enough personality to earn hate. They are the space-fillers of Hogwarts. They exist to make a fourth team for Quiddich tournaments. Hufflepuffs are good-hearted plodders, they fill seats in classes and offer straight lines to the actual characters. They study just hard enough to show that Ron’s a slacker but not hard enough to outdo Hermione. They’re the red-shirts, when you need a good guy to be kidnapped or killed to show just how dangerous the villain is.

“I don’t hate them,” I said, but  Harold still seemed skeptical.

“Let me put this in terms you’ll understand without reading the books,” I said. “The only Hufflepuff who’s really successful and gives the House any glory is Cedric Diggory. He’s the Quiddich captain — Quidditch is lame, by the way —  and he would have won the Tri-Wizard Tournament — which is awesome — but Voldemort — that’s the villain– kills him. And then after Cedric dies, he comes back in Twilight as a good-looking sparkly vampire. You see why no one likes Hufflepuff?”

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0 Responses to Hufflepuffs and Sparkly Vampires

  1. Darius K. says:

    I like the scene in, I think it’s book 5, where the sorting hat goes, “Griffindors get the brave, Ravenclaws get the smart, Slytherin get the cunning, and Hufflepuff… uh, they get everyone else.”

  2. captaincursor says:

    However they do get a honey badger as their mascot, and they don’t give a shit.

  3. Nadine says:

    I felt the same way about Hufflepuffs for a while, until I heard this song by The Remus Lupins:

    Then I felt a little bad for them. Ravenclaw is best, though. Let’s not kid ourselves.

  4. Meg says:

    Exactly! Hufflepuffs are space-fillers! Even the sorting hat knows that!

    The badger’s cute and all, but what kind of epic mascot is that!?!?

  5. Becky says:

    Has anyone else ever wondered why Hermione wasn’t a Ravenclaw?

    Personally, I’d be embarrased to be called a “hufflepuff.” Isn’t that a pokemon? Makes me think of a jigglypuff or something. Really, what kind of name is that? Then again, “Slytherin” isn’t much better. There’s nothing at all suspicious about a whole group of people who “slither.”

  6. DarkTouch says:

    I thought that Fanon has more or less decided that Hufflepuff was the Stoner House. Add in Madame ‘Hooch’, Prof. Sprout and Tonks to the house as well as the Lego HP game’s decision to fill the Hufflepuff common room with plants of all sorts and I can see why.

    Hermione wasn’t Ravenclaw for the same reason that Neville wasn’t Hufflepuff and Harry wasn’t Slytherine. She didn’t want to be.

  7. Meg says:

    I think Luna asks Hermione why she isn’t in Ravenclaw, doesn’t she?

  8. Becky says:

    Haha, yeah, it’s been a while since I read the books. But that leaves the question –
    Why are there ANY Hufflepuffs???

  9. Darktouch says:

    Might as well ask why there are ANY Slytherin. I mean, everyone knows all Slytherin are asshole death eaters. The moment someone sorts into Slytherin why not put them through the door that drops them off a big tall cliff and be done with it?

  10. Meg says:

    Hey, Slughorn isn’t evil! Just a bit self-interested + entitled. (Which isn’t exactly rainbows and glitter, but it’s hardly murdering people left and right.)

    As for why anyone’s ok w/ being Slytherin, no one ever thinks it’ll happen to them. Same reason anyone ever applies to teach Defense Against The Dark Arts…

  11. Darktouch says:

    So the Slytherin get a pass because one member of their house wasn’t the mass murdering type where in we should get rid of all the Hufflepuffs because those English Majors and Hampshire Student types clearly suck?

  12. Anonymous says:

    Wasn’t Tonks a Hufflepuff?

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