An Incomplete List Of Things I Do Not Like At The Optometrist

  1. Pictures of eyes.
  2. What do you mean, look at the hot air balloon? This image is just some blurry colors.
  3. The color blindness test where you’re supposed to say you see red and green, even though it’s really more blood orange and evergreen.
  4. “Just fill out these papers while I take some measurements on your current lenses.” Um… I can’t possibly see paperwork without my glasses.
  5. I don’t see flashes, have trouble with night vision, have difficulty focusing, but after filling out pages of potential eye problems, now I’m thinking about all the dreadful things that could go wrong with eyes. Ugh.
  6. More pictures of eyes.
  7. Creepy 3D model of a giant eye.
  8. Yes, I really have worn glasses for 31 years.  Not a typo. Not a joke.
  9. Yes, that means I got glasses when I was 2, and that I look freakishly young. I GET IT. It’s amazing! Maybe it’s genetics! Maybe I bathe in the blood of virgin sacrifices every night! Can we get on with the scary eye touching now?
  10. Scary eye touching.
  11. Optometrist letting me know that I shouldn’t expect to get to 20/20 vision.
  12. No, I really don’t want to try contacts. Yes, in the thirty-one years I’ve worn glasses, it has indeed occurred to me that supermodels, leading ladies and love-interest hotties never wear glasses, and that I, too, might be more attractive without glasses. It’s just that adding contacts to my morning routine is just too time consuming, what with all the blood of virgins I have to bathe in every day.
  13. More pictures of eyes.
  14. There are only a limited number of frames that will work with my lenses. These are not the cheap or the cute ones.
  15. Of course my lenses will take extra time. I wasn’t actually expecting that one-hour thing to apply to me, I mean, this isn’t my first time getting glasses.
  16. This entire experience cost me about a week’s salary.
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