A Visit to the Blinking Doctor

Today I went to the optometrist. I’ve done this about once a year, since before I knew that “eye doctor” was two words. (which was YEARS before I realized the same is true about “Tappan Zee”) I’ve had glasses since I was two. My mom tells me that there was a point when I didn’t wear glasses every waking moment, and there are multiple photographs of my un-spectacled toddler face, but I don’t remember that time. I do remember a time when I could find my glasses without wearing my glasses. (Those were the days.)

It’s now been over twenty years since my mom first told me that I’d grow out of my optometrist hatred.

But I haven’t.

I would rather take the GREs than have my eyes examined.

I would rather drive to take the GREs than have my eyes examined.

I would rather drive Stick’s car to take the GREs than have my eyes examined. Even if the GREs were on the Pike. And if I had to parallel park at the end of it.

Going to the optometrist is a miserable experience. I’m one of those weird, twisted people who doesn’t like being poked in the eyes. I don’t wear contact lenses, and I firmly believe there is a special place in hell for eye doctors who say “But you have such a pretty face! Why do you have to hide it with glasses?”

It’s right next to the special hell for the assistants who say “Look at the picture! Focus on the balloon! And don’t blink!” when I don’t see a slide of a hot-air balloon rising majestically over the horizon. I see blue on top, a red dot and green. Like a Rothko in cyan, maroon and hooker’s green.

While we’re on the subject, isn’t “Don’t blink!” the dumbest injunction ever? Of course I’m going to blink! I blink even when people aren’t shining lights and dropping solutions into my eyes! That’s what eyes do when they’re not happy, they blink. And I’m not happy.

I really think when you ask someone to read letters from a chart, you should start with the top line, so they feel happy that they can read the first two lines, and not from the bottom. Because I start feeling dumb the fourth and fifth time I have to say that I still can’t read it. Also, if you don’t want people to guess futhark runes or Greek, you shouldn’t make your letters look so much like futhark runes or Greek.

And yet, this annual torture definately beats the alternative (which is to bump my face on the walls a lot).