Chinese Language Exercises

I started going to a yoga class. It’s really hard because although I can understand simple things like up, down, left, right and basic body parts, I can’t understand many verbs. I don’t think I understood a single verb in that whole class! It was really tough to follow without really understanding the teacher, but it’s good to remind myself of what my students go through.

My survival-level Chinese now includes Taxi Survival (turn left, turn right, stop here, no, we agreed on 20 kwai), Speak-or-Starve, Teacher Essentials and now “breathe deeply”, “relax your body” and “open your chakras”.

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Without Thanksgiving

I’m heartbroken that I’ll miss Thanksgiving at home this year. I love every part of the holiday, but especially the food and my family in all our dysfunctional glory.

I love getting home on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Last year was the first time my college-freshman little sister had to come home, too. My mom always tells me how behind we are on the Thanksgiving prep, as if there was one perfect year when we had everything cleaned and baked and decorated and cooked sometime in mid-October.

My mom has a Thanksgiving List and some of the chores already have my name on them. Actually, some of the sub-lists have my name on them. I think my Montclair coming-of-age ceremony involved the promotion from vacuuming to actual food preparation. My mom asks my dad for his opinion and he pretends like he can tell she’s moved all the wine glasses clockwise six degrees around the water glasses.

Wednesday night I go see Scep and now Katie, too. We used to hide out from last-minute chores, watch videos in his attic and talk about college. Now we hide out from last-minute chores and have margaritas with Stick and Katie. Last year, Scep and Katie told me they have real jobs, and they’re paying and that’s that.

No one really watches the parade but what’s Thanksgiving without inflatable Barney in the background? The arrival of Stick added watching football to the Stivison Thanksgiving, which makes up for the end of the traditional holiday pastime of Critique Meg’s Boyfriend.

I can’t actually talk about the food because if I think about it too much, I’ll be on a plane home.

After dinner, the extended Stivison family has dessert and wine. My cousins and I used to play Monopoly but then we started playing other games (like Illuminati) as we got older. We have enough pie that the arrival of half a dozen hungry teenage boys isn’t a problem. That’s not hyperbole, actually, we’ve tried a few times when I was in college, and then Bethie brought all the international students from Wesleyan home last year. Last Thanksgiving was my first experience with ESL pictionary, now a staple of my classroom.

I’m so sad that I won’t be home this year. But if my family can have latkes for Christmas, then I can have Beijing duck for Thanksgiving.

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Six Weeks Left In China

I love Yantai with the part of my heart that’s not full of the love-hate expats have for China. It’s hard to fully love a places in which all travel involves dealing with an Mandarin-speaking Whitmore. Here, I’m a G-rated Paris Hilton. Why Paris? Because I don’t do anything fame-worthy, most people think I dress like a tramp, and they don’t like the priviledge and immorality that I represent, yet everyone takes a picture.

When I first arrived, I noticed a lack of female voices in the China blogoshere, and now I’m starting to understand why. Being a young, single foreign woman in China is like… actually that is the strongest metaphor I can think up. Like waving a red thong at 700 million extremely horny bulls.

I read my friends’ emails and blogs and I really miss things from home. Like literacy. Turkey and swiss on rye bread (the only part of that I can find in China is the mei you. Oh, man, I crack myself up!). Personal space. Brewed coffee. Hygiene. Internet without a proxy. Sit-down toilets. (Would you believe I forgot this one on my original draft, and had to add it in later? I really need to go home!)

But mostly I miss Stick. It’s hard to accept that if Stick weren’t in the picture, I’d take the great terms my school offered me to renew my contract next year. It’s really hard to accept that I’m moving back around the world for some guy.

But next month I am.

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Variations on a Theme

My school told me it would be no problem to renew my visa, if I bring in my passport one week before my visa is due to expire. I asked if I needed anything else, like a passport picture, but I was told I didn’t. (Is there any phrase that strikes fear into the expat heart like “We will take care of everything”?)

Two days later, one of the school’s secretaries came into my office.

“Sign here,” she told me, pushing an entirely-in-Chinese form at me.

“What is it?”

“It’s for your visa.”

“Ok, what is it?”

“It’s for your visa.”

“What does it say?”

“It’s for your visa.”

I realized that we were going to have another round of Maybe I Have No Idea, so I accepted the form, telling her I would have a friend translate it and I’d give it to her this afternoon.

“Where is your photo?” Office Twit then asked. If you’re keeping score at home, this is the same Office Twit who told me I didn’t need a picture two days ago.

But I’ve been in China for 9 months! I know how this works! I pulled out the rest of the sheet of passport photos that I was required to buy at my last visa renewal. I think Take that, Chinese Beaurocracy! might have escaped my lips.

“Maybe this is the wrong size,” she said, looking at my photos.

Now, I suppose I’ve set the precedent that all foreigners keep a supply of passport-style photos in their desks for just such an occasion. But honestly, do other expats keep multiple sizes and styles on hand?

“Oh. Ok. Where can I get the right size?”

“Maybe I don’t know.”

“What is the right size?”

“Maybe I don’t know.”

“I’ve had this conversation before. I’ll just ask < Office Manager > when she comes in.”

“If you do not have a photo soon, you can’t get a new visa.”

“When do you need it?”

“Maybe I don’t know.”

I’m really starting to pick up a theme here.

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In Yellow Wood

Today, my boss Will offered me really good terms to work in Yantai next year. (I’d get a lot of nice things, and none of that pesky responsibility junk) I really like my job, I like my students, and I make a decent salary. The solitude and the crazy adventures of expat life make a really good combination for a writer.

But I’m really sick of being treated like a celebrity with communicable leprosy. I’m constantly frustrated by my attempts at Mandarin. And, you might not have noticed, but I really hate the food here.

And, if I go home, I can be with Stick. I miss being a girlfriend even more than I miss cheese. More than movie theaters, rye bread, the quizzes in Cosmo, personal space and everything else on my list of things to fully appreciate when I go back home. But I don’t have a job, and when I go back to Western Mass, I won’t be an awesome China expat, just another new grad with little-to-no marketable skills.

I have to look at this like I’ve got a great boyfriend and a great job, and not as a choice between being lonely and being unsuccessful.

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Tragically Unhip

Most days, I don’t feel like an adult. I think that’s because I play games all day. As the teacher, it’s even more important to spit out my gum before class, and I have to remember to confiscate cards instead of playing them.

My friend Kristin sent me about a thousand Consumating invitations, and finally I had to give in. I kind of like their tagline “find people who don’t suck” but when I started to sign up, I realized I’m too old for this.

Consumating asks users to tag themselves with their favorite things, but I can’t be bothered to type up a list of bands, movies, TV shows and books. I don’t really want to be a list of obscure references that only other cool people will get. I don’t have a witty one-liner. I don’t have song lyrics to match my moods. I don’t have amusing answers to the weekly question. Basically, I’m not cool enough to have internet friends.

But I love Kristin so you can find me, tagged officially-too-old-for-this.

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Beijing: Love it or Hate it?

The I Heart Beijing Blog wants to know what you think about Beijing.


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Young (Again)

The other day, Young brought in his homework on Roman numerals from another class. I thought he wanted me to help him out with it, but he told me he was giving it to me because I like Rome!

Of course, the next day he tried to throw a desk at someone, so I can’t rest on my brilliant-teacher laurels just yet.

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As Seen In Yantai

Sometimes Chinese advertising leaves me confused. I can’t even tell
a spa from an abortion clinic
. Mostly it’s because I’m illiterate, though. These two are too good not to share.

This is an aisle of Gatsby hair care products for men. I can imagine how this one came about. A few years ago, a new grad came to work at a Chinese advertising company, and he was assigned to market a new line of Western-style beauty products. Tired of hearing from his coworkers that all Western literature is pointless because China has already written everything of importance, the disguntled English major named the product line after one of the most famous nouveau riche man in American literature.

It sounds totally plausible to me.

jissbon I saw this at the drugstore too, but I actually Googled for this picture, because I felt WAY too creepy taking a photo of a condom box to post on the internet. I can’t think of a less appropriate icon for a condom advertisement than a picture of sowing seeds. I just can’t. At least they’re called Jissbon and not named after a fortress that was breached…

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Chinese Blogging

The Chinese Blogger Conference is in Hangzhou this weekend. I wonder if any panels are discussing that Blogger/Blogspot is blocked again in China.

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