Chinese Standards

My new co-worker, David, and I both have Thursdays and Fridays off, so yesterday we went exploring downtown.

“is this squid on a stick kosher?”

“The next person who calls me lao wei…”

The Lonely Planet mentions that Yantai #2 beach is a popular spot for weddings, but mere words cannot describe about a mile of gorgeous coastline, full of bridal photographers and couples in rental clothes.

After David shouted “mazol tov!” at three or four couples, I thought it would be best to runaway and hide, I mean, we went looking for a place to have dinner. First, we tried that Green Island coffeeshop where Fresca and I got good coffee and bad cake. Green Island, kind of like Starbacks-meets-Tiki-Room with a Yantai flair, is decorated with hanging vines and a huge tree in the center. All the walls, actually, all the surfaces, are covered in silk flowers and leaves, and there are little nests with painted birds around the room.

Since Fresca and I last went, the owners have picked up a live bird. It makes the sound of a toddler throwing a temper tantrum at three or four second intervals. We didn’t stay there.

Then we went to a little place where our waitress called over a translator. The translation waitress asked us in English “Do you want to eat food? Do you want to eat Chinese food? Do you want to eat food? Chinese food.” I asked her what kind of food, and she said “It’s Chinese food. Do you eat Chinese food?” I asked if it was meat, or vegetables, or noodles, or dumplings and she said “Chinese food.” Yes, i understand that, since we’re in CHINA.

So we left and found a little Japanese place. In Yantai, most seafood restaurants put out aquariums full of fish, shellfish, molluscs, wormy bottom feeders that haven’t evolved since the Paleozoic era and other delicacies, so patrons can see how fresh the food is.

We ate there anyway.

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It’s not a new job until you almost flash someone.

My class today was three Korean students. They call me Professor McGonagall, in Korean this time — and why does everyone do that? Is it that all Westerners look alike? Does “Meg” sound that much like “McGonagall”? Do I radiate nerd? Should I stop giving ten points to Gryffindor for correct answer?

They have English names, but I told them if they call me Mcgonagall, I’m going to call them Ron, Harry and Hermione. Harry and Ron got in a little scuffle over this, but I was firm. Whoever has black hair, glasses and a scar gets to be Harry.

I came back into the teachers’ office after my class, and I was about to sit down at Zorro’s desk. (I don’t have my own computer yet so I’ve been floating around on my colleague’s) I pulled back the chair and was about to sit down when Zorro’s voice came from under the desk:

“Are the kids gone?”

“We’re in a school, so I’m going to have to say no.” I said, sitting down at David’s desk and pretending I didn’t almost flash Zorro.

“I mean Ron. Did he leave?”

“Yes.”

“Great,” Zorro climbs out from under the desk. “He keeps asking me for mini-pizzas. I gave him one yesterday, but I don’t want to give him ALL of mine! And now he wants me to take him to the import shop so he can get his own!”

I go to shut the office door, just in case there were any pizza-eating rugrats around. And then I asked the question any girl who found someone hiding under a desk would ask.

“Did you say mini-pizzas?”

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Wrong Girl

Will, my boss, was playing videopoker in the office. He asked me if I played, and I had to admit that my Foxwoods success was more luck than skill.

“It doesn’t matter though, because as soon as I start working here, you’ll all be playing WoW,” I said. We got into a pretty serious discussion with Kevin, another teacher, about if the the office computers are networked, can we play Civ2 on one CD key or do we all need our own? Jenn came into the office as the debate was heating up.

“Meg, you’ve totally let me down. I was expecting that another girl here counteract some of that testosterone,” Jenn said.

Man, did they hire the wrong girl.

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Stronger?

Right now, I’m changing my job, my apartment and um, everything! Everyone I’ve spoken with who’s made China their home says that China pushes your limits. In China what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.

Or it makes you throw up for a few days, I forget.

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Changing Jobs In China

Thursday

Ji: Hey, there’s a college in Weihai that needs a teacher.
Meg: I’m sorry, no. My contract is for Yantai and I don’t want to move.
Ji: *long Chinese sob story regarding the horrific death of the previous teacher’s mother and the childhood friendship between my current boss and the college’s headmaster*
Meg: No, look at my contract.

Saturday

Secretary: Have a good time in Weihai, Meg!
Meg: I’m not moving to Weihai.
Secretary: Yes.

Sunday

Ji: You will move to Weihai at 9am tomorrow.
Meg: No. Contract. Yantai.
Ji: But there isn’t time to find a new teacher! They need someone starting tomorrow! *long story regarding the previous teachers’ flexibility as compared to my inherent laziness*
Meg: No. Contract. Signature. Yours. No.
Ji: Excuse me while I get my husband to leave his job in a company across town and yell at you in Chinese.
Ji’s husband: *Loud Chinese accompanied by pounding the table with his fists*
Ji: He says that you are irresponsible and you are ruining our school.
Meg: No. Contract. No.
Ji: *long story involving imminent ruin of the school due to my American incompentance and character failings*
Meg: No. Contact. No… Screw this, I’m taking my Magic cards and my Harry Potter books and I’m quitting!

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First Person Plural

I went to Jackie’s the other night with Will and Jennifer. (haha I have to make up new names now because someone in Yantai reads my blog haha). Jackie’s, the proud home of Loud Food and Spicy Music, is has awesome Western food and fun English-speaking staff and they’ll even make cocktails. Plus Will and Jennifer are really interesting, and the combination of good margaritas and good conversation is one of my favorite things.

But evening was a little off for me by the gut-wretching agony that is first person plural. Simple phrases like “We liked that movie…” “we’re going to…” and “…then we went home” really make me sad. I felt the same way sometimes in Beijing with Jeff and Fresca, although I know they went out of their way not to make me feel like a third wheel. Even indirect references to a shared life are a bit depressing.

Almost every day I find something else to love in Yantai, but a part of me can’t wait to get home and start saying “we.”

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Gamer Girls Are News In Yantai

I’m sure they wanted a picture of the foreign teacher actually teaching, but instead this is me playing WoW with Stick.

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The Universal Appeal of The Saggy Baggy Elephant

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Cherry Stones

Yantai is famous for cherries, and I think I’ve received at least my body mass in bags full of cherries from students. At one point I had three bags in my fridge and another one on the kitchen table. They’re quite nice but they’re really nothing special, and I honestly can’t imagine liking ANYTHING enough that I would want to eat my weight’s worth.

This is me almost every day: “Thank you! Yes, I’ve eaten cherries before. Yes, I like cherries. Yes, we have cherries in America. Yes, they are this big.”

I don’t add that the only difference between famous Yantai cherries and Stop&Shop cherries is that in the US, we don’t spit out the pits all over the floor.

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Yes, I speak English.

My school often hires secretaries who don’t speak English. I understand that I’m in China and I understand that the vast majority of people I meet will not speak English. But it seems to me that speaking English would be a requirement to be a secretary in a language school. Especially if that secretary shares an office with the American teacher. Especially if that secretary’s job involves dealing with the foreign teacher everyday.

Sometimes Ji’s around, but sometimes she isn’t.

Meg: Do we have any crayons?

Secretary: Yes.

Meg: You know what I mean by “crayons”, right?

Secretary: Yes.

Meg: Do you know where they are?

Secretary: Yes.

Meg: Where are the crayons?

Secretary: Yes.

Meg: Are my superpowers way cooler than Spiderman’s?

Secretary: Yes.

Some days, I really love China.

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