Why I can’t keep my resolutions.

“I have resolved to be more positive.” I told Eric, “From now on, I will only say good things. For example: A few of the books we sold at the lit conference today were interesting and attractive.”

“How’s that positive?” Eric asks.

“Because what I actually think is that some of the books were the moronic drivel that forced me in to chapter books at a very tender age,”

“And ‘moronic dribble’ isn’t a positive way to describe books.”

Since Eric is an engineer, I assume he must need a vocabulary lesson. “No, you missed my point, I said ‘drivel’, not ‘dribble’. ‘Dribble’ is the mess that comes out of your mouth when you’re half asleep… oh.”

Sometimes the engineer can be quite perceptive.

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Playboy: The Mansion

“I got a job,” Stick says proudly. “I’m going to be playtesting for Cyberlore!”

While I’m shrieking “That’s great, honey!” my gamergirl gears take a second to catch on. I almost wish I hadn’t. “Aren’t they doing that Playboy game?”

“Yeah!” he says.

I am a dedicated gamer chick. I have my own dice, my own copies of Neverwinter, The Sims, Civilization, Morrowind and a least a dozen others, and a strict policy of never dating my GM. I’ve been a computer geek since the days of King’s Quest (Thanks to Roberta Williams, I try to steal everything that’s not nailed down). But a Playboy game? My boyfriend spending eight hours a day, looking at polygonal nudes?

In theory, Playboy: The Mansion seems like a gamer boy’s dream. You play as Hugh Hefner, and the object of the game is to get women to take off their clothes for your camera. Oh, and pick some articles.

I realize Stick has a chance at the gamer boys dream, all day playing videogames and getting paid for it. But what boy can look at Playboy bunnies, albeit CGI ones, all day and then come home to a real live girl, without doing at least a little mental comparision? I don’t exactly have Bunny-calibre looks.

“I’m so freaking happy.” he tells me. I tell myself not to get upset. Sure, those Playboys models have long legs and perfect hair, but I’m a flesh-and-blood girl! I can borrow his clothes, take the blankets, consistently arrive twenty minutes late, leave my lipgloss and barrettes around his room… How can I even compete?

A few days after Stick started at Cyberlore, we were in his room playing Caesar and Cleopatra (which is actually a Kosmos card game and not kinky classicist sex, thanks for asking) and he was telling me about the Cyberlore game.

“This is great,” he said. I’m reminding myself not to flip out when he continues. “You actually know what I’m talking about! I have the greatest girlfriend!”

Edit: We also played Hector and Achilles a few nights later. I won, but since I read the Illiad I had a bit of an advantage.

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A dangling what?

Here’s a amusing line from an otherwise unremarkable MSN blurb. The article’s about delaying the release of “The Hunting Of The President”, a new documentary about Clinton, because of the death of Reagan.

“We decided it was wholly inappropriate during a week of mourning in the country for a much-beloved president to be having a celebration.”

Er, is the much-beloved president the one having a celebration, or the one for which we’re having a week of mourning?

Full story here: http://entertainment.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=160697

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Unreliable Narrator

The other day in English we had an in-class assignment to write a short piece of fiction that showed an unreliable narrator. Mine was:

“I used to be obsessed with my ex-boyfriend, but I haven’t thought about him in six days, four hours and seventeen minutes.”

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Meg’s opinion of Absolut Mandarin

Mmm, yummy, tastes like sweet orange– ARGH! My throat’s on fire!!!

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Top 10 Things I didn’t Like About Troy

1) Troy wasn’t burned in a day, you know.

2) How about putting some gods in this movie?

3) What’s up with making Chryseis, Brieseis, Cassandra and Klytemnestra into the same person? What, there were too many women in the Illiad?

4) While we’re at it, how ’bout some backstory on Achilles? For all the screen time he gets sulking by the ships, you’d think he’d mention his heel.

5) Um, Menelaus doesn’t die at Troy.

6) Um, Agamemnon doesn’t die at Troy.

7) Um, Ajax doesn’t die at Troy. (well, not in the battle anyway)

8 ) What’s up w/ the 12-yr-old Aeneas?

9) What’s up w/ the secret back door out of Troy?

10) How about some divine intervention here?

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Customer Service

Yesterday at work, I got a phone call from a pretty regular art-desk customer who said he was reading a history book but he was confused and he needed to know who Augustus’ naval commander at Actium was. I said Marcus Agrippa, and he said thanks and hung up.

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Late For Class!

As I’m walking in the door, about 5 minutes late to class, Prof. Marathon turns from the class and says “Meg will know! Meg, how would you guard against the Evil Eye?”

I’m quick with my answer, “By yelling insults off a bridge, Professor!”

“No!” my Greek teacher yells. “In Greek art!

“Um, with a curved horn, usually a contrasting color…”

“No!” Marathon says again. “With an erect phallus!”

I’m not entirely sure why he was sure I would know that. But I won’t be coming to class late anymore.

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The wheels are turning….

I was at the Hamster Mall with the boys the other day. I don’t get to see my Eric that much now that he’s working about a million hous a week. So when he was out hre, he and Chris went to EB and I was in Deb looking at sundresses for a date with a certain overaged skinny man (more on that later!)

In Deb, there was this adorable little boy, perhaps three or four years, playing with the skirts and babbling to his mom. He was so cheery and well-behaved that I was getting worried about the biological clock ticking and wondering if I might be starting to not hate children anymore. Anyway, a woman with three kids comes in and the kids are screaming and whining for a visit to Kay-Bee toys next door. They are so loud most of the store is staring at them, wondering why their mother lets them act like terrors. The mother gives them a few disinterested commands to be quiet, but of course the little monsters don’t. Then she agrees to take them to Kay-Bee, pays for her clothes, and leaves.

You can see the wheels turning in the little boy’s head. The brats got toys, but he doesn’t. Therefore, whining is preferable to quiet. He looks over at him mother and starts to scream for toys.

I hate kids.

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Product Placement

You know what butt shorts are, right? They’re those heather grey gym shorts with a word written across the wearer’s fanny. Unfortunately, I go to UMass Amherst, so our school sells shorts with “UMASS” on the backside. I giggle every time I see these, and I once told Eric and Chris about my plan to make a matching UMBOOBS sweatshirt.

Chris suggested a maroon lanyard that says “FRESHMAN” over and over (Traveling to UMass? The frosh are easily recognizable by their dorm keys on UMass lanyarns and need for direction to Mahar).

One day, when I was taking a Norse Myth class, Eric, Chris and I came up with a second line of butt shorts. We’re going to print “Freyja” and “Thor” on the rear.

Anyone else want to buy stock in our Asgard line?

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