Getting Lucky

Posted on December 29, 2005 by Meg

My parents just got a new dog from a sheltie rescue place. He’s a little bizarre, he only walks in clockwise circles and he’s scared of almost everything. He came to us named Lucky, which my parents say they would never have picked. Although after my grandfather called his dog Kitty Kitty Kitty, and my mom called the turtle Dylan after a Janis Joplin song, I think my entire family should be banned from naming pets.

Anyway, when my folks had their Christmannukah-New Years party, one of my mom’s friends was petting the new dog and asked her, “So when did you get Lucky?”

My mom laughed and said “Last night!”

So I did what every mature adult daughter would do — I covered my ears and shouted “La la la la la! I can’t hear you!”

But thanks for not calling me Moon Unit, Mom.

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Christmas Romance… with help from a GPS.

Posted on December 26, 2005 by Meg

On Christmas Eve, I got up and showered and went to the jewelry store with my semi-brother Scep to pick up an engagement ring! No, not for me, it’s a gorgeous ring, but not nice enough to make me put up with Scep forever. Actually, I probably will be putting up with him forever but not in the way poor Katie has to now. But I’m messing up my whole story.

Anyway, Scep called to say that he was going to the jewelry store and I have to get up and get ready right now to come with him! Scep’s engagement is on the short list of things which get me out of bed in a hurry so I said good morning and goodbye to my family and assorted exchange students who were having breakfast downstairs, and we set off.

Scep isn’t really my brother, but we’ve been friends for so long that I can barely remember when we weren’t. We’ve spent enough time at each other’s houses that we can correct any family trivia the comes up at dinner at either house, especially the stories that involve childhood injury or teenage embarrassment. (By the way, remind me to tell you about Scep’s first car accident, and the Mac which met a sad end). Over the years, Scep’s listened to a lot of boy-related drama from me, and I would totally return the favor for him, but then he met Katie and I didn’t have to.

On the way to the jewelry store, I extracted a promise that the wedding would not take place until I am back from China and tried to get a promise that I would not have to wear anything stupid or juggle or perform any ritual that would make me cringe at the pictures later. He said “that’s all up to Katie” which is probably boy-speak for “we’re getting married in Hawaii and you’re wearing a hula skirt.” Oh well. I suppose I owe it to them.

“Hi Mom! We got the ring! Can I borrow a Tupperware?” I shouted when we got back. My mom looked up, told us to help ourselves, and went back to decorating for Christmas. We turned the the clear plastic container into a fake geocache by filling it with old McDonald’s toys, colored birthday candles, little plastic charms you get from playing Skeeball, and The Ring. Geocaching is for Katie and Scep what Romans are for Stick and me, or roses and champagne are for a normal couple.

We took the fake geocache up to one of the hiking trails at the reservation and hid it in a fallen log. Scep punched the co-ordinates into his GPS, which I guess makes it a real geocache.

Then Scep dropped me off and went home to tell Katie that there was a new cache up at the reservation and since it’s so warm and uncrowded, they should do it today. Now, in fact!

I don’t really know what happened next, but later this afternoon Katie and Scep came over to show my family a certain piece of new jewelry and there was a lot of crying and hugging. There was so much going on that I couldn’t actually pin them to the no-hula-skirts promise.

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The Internet Is For…

Posted on December 18, 2005 by Meg

Yesterday I was studying for my Latin final with Paula and Jared in the Davis Room. None of us had the foresight to print out the reveiw sheet from the class website, or remember the URL, so we googled our prof’s name.

It turns out that our Latin teacher shares her full name with an adult film star. Googling for her name, plus “classics” gave us a gallery of the specialty actress’ most-loved videos. Adding “Latin” didn’t exactly help either. Let’s just say she wasn’t tutoring all those guys in the uses of the subjunctive.

I won’t tell you which adult actress, not to protect my teacher’s identity or anything considerate like that, but because super-smart search engine robots are crawling this page right now. Posting about the hot coffee mod a few months ago increased my hits almost instantly. (I wonder if my text-related Google links are still PG?) I’m carefully avoiding typing a certain four-letter word, that starts with a P and rhymes with horn, in the hopes that my blog won’t be censored by the Chinese government.

Maybe I shouldn’t have typed that.

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Gems and Grammar

Posted on November 30, 2005 by Meg

I don’t just want to make a collection of weird things found on-line (go to www.Cynical-C.com for that) but I just have to share this, uh, gem. Whoever came up with Life Gems must have been playing a little too much Morrowind. Sometimes when you’re playing Morrowind, you’re a dark mage and you steal someone’s lifeforce and make a Soul Gem to facilitate your evil sorcery and character leveling. But the people behind Life Gems are actually turning human bodies into cubic zirconia. Can you imagine?

“I like your earrings.”
“Thanks, they were my grandparents,”

This is also another example of what a difference an apostrophe makes, because there’s nothing dark-wizardy about wearing jewelry that was your grandparent‘s.

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Stercus Fit

Posted on November 28, 2005 by Meg

Today we had a pop vocab and translation quiz in Latin and I was brilliant! Ok, maybe not quite brilliant, because my translation involved “herd of bulls” and I don’t really think bulls run in herds. But for almost two whole minutes, I was done with my quiz and just basking in my near-brilliance. Then our actual lesson started and then I was lost and confused again.

Later on, I was suffering over my translation homework right before Prof. Giant’s class. He teaches Greek and my special nickname in his class is “Antigone-Hater”. Anyway, Prof. Giant looks over and says “Meg, find your verb,” and I’m all “I found my verb but there’s an ablative that just gate-crashed my nice sentence!” and then he said that my sentence had a backwards deponent verb. I was ready to put my hands over my ears and sing “Lalalala, I can’t hear you!” but then Prof. Giant said that you can remember it because Stercus fit means “Shit happens” in Latin.

Edit: Apparently in ancient Rome, bulls ran in herds.

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The Romans and the Vikings

Posted on November 22, 2005 by Meg

I just found out that SportsIllustrated.com does a live football score, with a little legend that explains what happened each quarter. I learned this interesting bit of information because I’m idly following the Vikings’ progress as I do my Latin homework (I think I’m cheating because I know who’s going to win the battle of Actium). Tonight the greatest team in the universe, the Vikings, is playing those despicable bums, the Packers. Actually what Stick said was a bit stronger than “despicable” and “bums”.

I know Stick would be able to go into much more detail than the SI website, but since I’m such an awesome girlfriend, I won’t interrupt him as he coaches the Vikings through his TV. You see, whenever there’s an important play, he needs to shout “Catch that ball!” and pound on the nearest table, otherwise the football players won’t know what to do next. He has to shout really loudly because the players are all the way in Minnesota. Which is another reason I’m doing my Latin homework at my place.

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And in Conclusion, I’m Moving to China

Posted on November 17, 2005 by Meg

I am moving to China in February to teach English for a year.

There are many reasons, the first is that I want to go to China. And no, I don’t speak Chinese. I’m hoping to be posted at a Catholic high school in which I can conduct my English classes in Latin. Either that or I will speak English louder and louder until I am understood. Ok, fine, I’ll learn Mandarin.

The second reason is because I can’t find a job that doesn’t suck. No, really. I cannot find a job in Amherst, or even in Springfield, that doesn’t involve chipper restatement of company policy to angry customers. I have actually applied to any place at the mall that is hiring for Xmas help because I need money in an increasingly pressing kind of way.

The third is that I want my picture taken at the Great Wall because I am playing a live-action game of Civilization and I’m winning.

I also have a scarily idealistic reason. I really believe this is a great chance to use my English degree to change the world! Because I think if I show a few Chinese students that not all Americans are greedy war-mongers then I’ve changed the world for the better. Some people who are reading this are amazing special-ed teachers and artists and rape counselors and there’s one rabbi-in-training, and I want to be like you guys and not be a retail girl forever.

And I’m not breaking up with Stick. In fact, he suggested something along the lines of “I’d let you see other boys if you wanted” but I said “Mmhhmhmhmhmmmmmmhhhm” which is the sound of me saying “No! I only want you!” when my face is smooshed up against his chest and I am trying to suffocate him with my arms. It’s this type of mature response to stress that makes me an excellent candidate to move across the planet.

My family is used to dramatic life changes (For the record, one can learn to be the pastor’s daughter in one’s twenties), so my mom said didn’t ask me if I were really really sure I wanted to go, just that I had to get my flu shot and go to the dentist first.

So I’m moving to China. Because mortal terror shouldn’t keep me from doing something cool.

Edit: Here’s my picture at the Great Wall!

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A Not-So-Good Day

Posted on November 15, 2005 by Meg

Today I had an existential crisis a job interview! I need a job so badly that I applied for claims processing  at a rental equipment insurance company. So when Company A offers a gym or a salon, but doesn’t actually own a treadmill or tanning bed, they rent that equipment from Company B. The pieces of equipment are insured by Company C, who subcontact the claims processes to Company D.

I need a job so desperately that it didn’t seem even a little bit funny to write an application about my unique attributes that would make me an excellent candidate for the position at Company D. (Actually, I need a job so much that last week I applied and interviewed for a merchandising job, even though I have post-traumatic retail syndrome and I break out in hives from the words like on-boarding and signage.)

So I showed up for the claims-processing adventure, and had quite the interview about my goals… Which was weird because data entry has nothing to do with my goals, or, um, anyone’s goals. Is there a child somewhere who wants to be an insurance clerk or a claims adjuster when they grow up? So it was miserably depressing because I was trying to sound like the Best Candidate for the job, trying pretending to be the greatest typing drone and friendliest coworker so I could end up with a job that I didn’t particularly want.

No, really, my disillusionment gets worse. In order to proceed to the second interview, I had to take a handwriting analysis test. I’m almost afraid to mention this part because you might not believe me. But it’s totally true. Apparently they screen for “important qualities” in the handwriting test. I thought it was a joke and almost told the interviewer my horoscope sign. (I’m a Taurus and my Chinese sign is a rooster… So my horoscope is literally cock and bull.)

I liked the job when I first applied because they’re open 7am to 9pm, so I could have flexible hours, but now I feel like that’s exactly the problem. I don’t want to work a typing job all day so I can afford a gym membership… from a gym with rented and insured equipment. I don’t want to go tanning because I’m inside working all day and can’t get any real sun.

This is not for me.

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Cockroach Cluster

Posted on November 13, 2005 by Meg

Last night, Paula and I were doing our Latin in Herter Hall. By “doing our Latin”, I mean we were chatting with our Latin books open. She was telling me the flowers she’s picked for her wedding (orange roses, which is actually a very Paula-esque mix of classical and modern) and I told her my favorite proposal scenario. It’s the one when my handsome boyfriend takes my to Egypt and we climb the pyramid at sunset. He opens a tiny jewelry box and shows me a gorgeous sapphire, and then starts to ask me the question…

That’s how it ends, of course, because then an Egyptian guard comes up and screams at us in Arabic for climbing the pyramids. Kristin says that I have a disturbed psyche.

Then we saw a giant cockroach. Paula and me, I mean, in Herter, not my boyfriend and me on the pyramids. (I wonder if there even are cockroachs in Egypt? Maybe Bird, Basket, Folded Cloth, Arrow means “Call the exterminator tomorrow” in heiroglyphics) There was no shrieking or screaming, we just stared in horror. Then we tucked our feet up on our chairs and went back to the task at hand.

“I want a heart-shaped diamond,” Paula said. “Some people might think that’s cheesy, but I think it’s perfect.”

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Hallmark Rejects

Posted on November 8, 2005 by Meg

If I ran Hallmark, I would make the following cards:

1) Sorry I got you killed last night. I leveled now so I won’t do it again.

2) Sure you bombed that test, but at least you did better than that kld we don’t like.

3) Congratulations on your break up! We always knew you could do it!

4) Congratulations on your first ride in Squeaky! (Inside: You can stop screaming now.)

5) Hit on my roommate again and I’ll kill you.

Unrelated note Who are these 800+ people who have been on my blog since last week? Are you real, or is Stick sitting in his room hitting “Refresh” to make me feel better?

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