Gems and Grammar

I don’t just want to make a collection of weird things found on-line (go to www.Cynical-C.com for that) but I just have to share this, uh, gem. Whoever came up with Life Gems must have been playing a little too much Morrowind. Sometimes when you’re playing Morrowind, you’re a dark mage and you steal someone’s lifeforce and make a Soul Gem to facilitate your evil sorcery and character leveling. But the people behind Life Gems are actually turning human bodies into cubic zirconia. Can you imagine?

“I like your earrings.”
“Thanks, they were my grandparents,”

This is also another example of what a difference an apostrophe makes, because there’s nothing dark-wizardy about wearing jewelry that was your grandparents.

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Stercus Fit

Today we had a pop vocab and translation quiz in Latin and I was brilliant! Ok, maybe not quite brilliant, because my translation involved “herd of bulls” and I don’t really think bulls run in herds. But for almost two whole minutes, I was done with my quiz and just basking in my near-brilliance. Then our actual lesson started and then I was lost and confused again.

Later on, I was suffering over my translation homework right before Prof. Giant’s class. He teaches Greek and my special nickname in his class is “Antigone-Hater”. Anyway, Prof. Giant looks over and says “Meg, find your verb,” and I’m all “I found my verb but there’s an ablative that just gate-crashed my nice sentence!” and then he said that my sentence had a backwards deponent verb. I was ready to put my hands over my ears and sing “Lalalala, I can’t hear you!” but then Prof. Giant said that you can remember it because Stercus fit means “Shit happens” in Latin.

Edit: Apparently in ancient Rome, bulls ran in herds.

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The Romans and the Vikings

I just found out that SportsIllustrated.com does a live football score, with a little legend that explains what happened each quarter. I learned this interesting bit of information because I’m idly following the Vikings’ progress as I do my Latin homework (I think I’m cheating because I know who’s going to win the battle of Actium). Tonight the greatest team in the universe, the Vikings, is playing those despicable bums, the Packers. Actually what Stick said was a bit stronger than “despicable” and “bums”.

I know Stick would be able to go into much more detail than the SI website, but since I’m such an awesome girlfriend, I won’t interrupt him as he coaches the Vikings through his TV. You see, whenever there’s an important play, he needs to shout “Catch that ball!” and pound on the nearest table, otherwise the football players won’t know what to do next. He has to shout really loudly because the players are all the way in Minnesota. Which is another reason I’m doing my Latin homework at my place.

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And in Conclusion, I’m Moving to China

I am moving to China in February to teach English for a year.

There are many reasons, the first is that I want to go to China. And no, I don’t speak Chinese. I’m hoping to be posted at a Catholic high school in which I can conduct my English classes in Latin. Either that or I will speak English louder and louder until I am understood. Ok, fine, I’ll learn Mandarin.

The second reason is because I can’t find a job that doesn’t suck. No, really. I cannot find a job in Amherst, or even in Springfield, that doesn’t involve chipper restatement of company policy to angry customers. I have actually applied to any place at the mall that is hiring for Xmas help because I need money in an increasingly pressing kind of way.

The third is that I want my picture taken at the Great Wall because I am playing a live-action game of Civilization and I’m winning.

I also have a scarily idealistic reason. I really believe this is a great chance to use my English degree to change the world! Because I think if I show a few Chinese students that not all Americans are greedy war-mongers then I’ve changed the world for the better. Some people who are reading this are amazing special-ed teachers and artists and rape counselors and there’s one rabbi-in-training, and I want to be like you guys and not be a retail girl forever.

And I’m not breaking up with Stick. In fact, he suggested something along the lines of “I’d let you see other boys if you wanted” but I said “Mmhhmhmhmhmmmmmmhhhm” which is the sound of me saying “No! I only want you!” when my face is smooshed up against his chest and I am trying to suffocate him with my arms. It’s this type of mature response to stress that makes me an excellent candidate to move across the planet.

My family is used to dramatic life changes (For the record, one can learn to be the pastor’s daughter in one’s twenties), so my mom said didn’t ask me if I were really really sure I wanted to go, just that I had to get my flu shot and go to the dentist first.

So I’m moving to China. Because mortal terror shouldn’t keep me from doing something cool.

Edit: Here’s my picture at the Great Wall!

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A Not-So-Good Day

Today I had an existential crisis a job interview! I need a job so badly that I applied for claims processing  at a rental equipment insurance company. So when Company A offers a gym or a salon, but doesn’t actually own a treadmill or tanning bed, they rent that equipment from Company B. The pieces of equipment are insured by Company C, who subcontact the claims processes to Company D.

I need a job so desperately that it didn’t seem even a little bit funny to write an application about my unique attributes that would make me an excellent candidate for the position at Company D. (Actually, I need a job so much that last week I applied and interviewed for a merchandising job, even though I have post-traumatic retail syndrome and I break out in hives from the words like on-boarding and signage.)

So I showed up for the claims-processing adventure, and had quite the interview about my goals… Which was weird because data entry has nothing to do with my goals, or, um, anyone’s goals. Is there a child somewhere who wants to be an insurance clerk or a claims adjuster when they grow up? So it was miserably depressing because I was trying to sound like the Best Candidate for the job, trying pretending to be the greatest typing drone and friendliest coworker so I could end up with a job that I didn’t particularly want.

No, really, my disillusionment gets worse. In order to proceed to the second interview, I had to take a handwriting analysis test. I’m almost afraid to mention this part because you might not believe me. But it’s totally true. Apparently they screen for “important qualities” in the handwriting test. I thought it was a joke and almost told the interviewer my horoscope sign. (I’m a Taurus and my Chinese sign is a rooster… So my horoscope is literally cock and bull.)

I liked the job when I first applied because they’re open 7am to 9pm, so I could have flexible hours, but now I feel like that’s exactly the problem. I don’t want to work a typing job all day so I can afford a gym membership… from a gym with rented and insured equipment. I don’t want to go tanning because I’m inside working all day and can’t get any real sun.

This is not for me.

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Cockroach Cluster

Last night, Paula and I were doing our Latin in Herter Hall. By “doing our Latin”, I mean we were chatting with our Latin books open. She was telling me the flowers she’s picked for her wedding (orange roses, which is actually a very Paula-esque mix of classical and modern) and I told her my favorite proposal scenario. It’s the one when my handsome boyfriend takes my to Egypt and we climb the pyramid at sunset. He opens a tiny jewelry box and shows me a gorgeous sapphire, and then starts to ask me the question…

That’s how it ends, of course, because then an Egyptian guard comes up and screams at us in Arabic for climbing the pyramids. Kristin says that I have a disturbed psyche.

Then we saw a giant cockroach. Paula and me, I mean, in Herter, not my boyfriend and me on the pyramids. (I wonder if there even are cockroachs in Egypt? Maybe Bird, Basket, Folded Cloth, Arrow means “Call the exterminator tomorrow” in heiroglyphics) There was no shrieking or screaming, we just stared in horror. Then we tucked our feet up on our chairs and went back to the task at hand.

“I want a heart-shaped diamond,” Paula said. “Some people might think that’s cheesy, but I think it’s perfect.”

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Hallmark Rejects

If I ran Hallmark, I would make the following cards:

1) Sorry I got you killed last night. I leveled now so I won’t do it again.

2) Sure you bombed that test, but at least you did better than that kld we don’t like.

3) Congratulations on your break up! We always knew you could do it!

4) Congratulations on your first ride in Squeaky! (Inside: You can stop screaming now.)

5) Hit on my roommate again and I’ll kill you.

Unrelated note Who are these 800+ people who have been on my blog since last week? Are you real, or is Stick sitting in his room hitting “Refresh” to make me feel better?

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Night Of The Knitting Dead

Someone with a twisted psyche has knitted zombies. I have more to say, but I’m off to crochet some mythical beasts now.

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This Is Not Our Destiny Part. 2

Today I was walking into Herter for Prof. Barton’s class when I heard someone shout “This is not your destiny!”

I recognized his voice but I couldn’t find Marcus for a moment because he was leaning off the fifth floor balcony, a la Professor Marathon. We shouted up and down for a bit, until I was late for class and a passing English major muttered “But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?” Which was kind of embarrassing but not as bad as last time!

Unfortunately, class WAS my destiny so I went.

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Morrowind

About two years ago (long ago, in pre-Stick history), I was at Eric’s, lying on the couch and studying. With characteristic focus on my homework, I looked over Eric’s shoulder and saw Morrowind.

“Oooo, that looks pretty. And you have lots of stuff in your bag! Can I play?”

“I told you about it when I first got it, and you said it looked like a bloody game and you don’t like violent games and you wouldn’t even let me make you a character,” Eric reminded me.

“Oh yeah,” I said. “Well, you were slashing somebody up then.”

“Oh yeah,” (This conversation explains why Eric and I don’t argue)

I like really open-ended games. If a quest has more than one ending, I’m happy. If almost every quest has different endings, which unlock even more quests… I’m in gamer girl heaven. Morrowind is the most open-ended game I’ve ever played. You can pick a detailed combination of racial traits, birthsign, talents and skills, or if that’s still not enough customization, you can invent your own character class. (And the preset classes include Witchhunter, Nightblade and Spellsword, instead of just Fighter, Mage and Rogue) If you decide, after hours of gameplay and several levels, that you’re not so crazy about your skills and you want to become something else, it’s possible to work on those other skills. Nothing’s forbidden.

The Morrowind world is well-written, too. You find (or in my case, steal) bottles of flin and mazte, instead of Potion of +50 HP. When you find (or steal) books, you can read about the history and myths of Morrowind. If anyone from Bethesda is reading this, and needs someone to write fictional myths for a computer game, I’m your girl!
Celtic and Persian-inspired clothes, NPCs with Roman-style names and an incredible variety of architecture keep Morrowind from becoming pseudo-medieval generic fantasy.

If you ever run out of things to do in the game, say there’s a blizzard and you can’t leave the house for weeks on end, you can download new mods for Morrowind. My personal favorite is the boyfriend mod. (Hey, this was before Stick, ok?) He’s programmed to say sweet things, and you can sleep at his place without the assassin mod coming for you. You can also leave some of your loot at his place.

And I really like games with stuff. Sure, I like leveling too, but I’d much rather have a sexy new set of armor and a better sword. (New cleavage-baring robes for the magic-users don’t hurt, either) Morrowind gives you different styles of clothes, armor, weapons… and modders have built a complete wardrobe, plus weapons and all kinds of trendy Pottery Barn accessories for your house.

The mapping system is not so good… or maybe my sense of direction is not so good. Quite a lot of my Morrowinding time involved me shouting “Eric! I’m lost again!” into the kitchen. I was playing it at Eric and Chris’ place because Morrowind requires a better videocard than I had at the time.

I liked Morrowind so much that finally got my finances into a spot where I could buy a new videocard and Eric and I went to Best Buy to get one. (this was pre-Squeaky, too) I was supposed to go see a movie with a boy I’d just met and kinda liked but I was so excited to play Morrowind that I kind of blew him off.

Unfortunately for me, that boy was Stick.

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